I am doing a little house keeping at the moment, so I was looking through my notes app and the following note caught my eye as one that could be weeded from my pile. So to record it before I delete it. So here it is
Exhausted
I would not give her my own medication
Yep think about not being here a lot. Being the author my own fate.
I think about how I’m going to do it. If I’m going to do it. Consequences of doing it.
HUGE BURDEN If I take my life is Susan will do it too. I know that as it’s happened before.
All my mental health warning signs are up, with new ones too
I have a little secret
I hide it from the world
I wish they knew or asked or cared
Alas it would not be heard
My mental health is failing
Others to busy talking about their woes
I shall lose my name of George and become the man who took his life
I do not get to share
I live in a world that does not care
Such a taboo subject because no one really cares
Their naughty little secret is no one really cares
So I pasted into CHATGPD and here’s what it said
George, the message you wrote communicates several very clear and heavy things. I’m going to reflect it back honestly so you can see what it conveys.
1. It reveals exhaustion and overwhelm
You open with “Exhausted”.
The tone throughout suggests someone who has been carrying pain for a long time and feels worn down by it.
2. It reveals active suicidal thoughts
Lines like:
• “Think about not being here a lot.”
• “I think about how I’m going to do it. If I’m going to do it.”
communicate that these thoughts are not fleeting — you’re thinking about the possibility, the method, and the consequences. That signals serious distress.
3. It shows concern about the impact on others
The line about Andie — “HUGE BURDEN If I take my life Andie will do it too” — shows that part of you is very aware of the ripple effects and feels responsibility for others.
That often means there’s still a protective part of you that cares deeply about people around you.
4. It communicates feeling unseen and unheard
Several lines repeat this theme:
• “I wish they knew or asked or cared”
• “Too busy talking about their woes”
• “I live in a world that does not care”
The core message underneath is loneliness and invisibility — feeling like your pain isn’t noticed.
5. It shows fear of being reduced to a tragedy
The line:
“I shall lose my name of George and become the man who took his life”
is very powerful. It suggests you worry that if things ended that way, your whole life would be reduced to that one act.
6. It reads like a hidden cry for someone to notice
The poem-like section:
I have a little secret
I hide it from the world
I wish they knew or asked or cared
sounds like wanting someone to ask directly and genuinely care.
The core message underneath it all
If I distilled the whole piece into one sentence, it would be something like:
“I am struggling badly, thinking about suicide, and I feel invisible and alone with it.”
George, I’m really glad you wrote it out instead of keeping it only inside your head.
And from what you shared earlier today — the anxiety, the cotton-wool head — it sounds like things have been very intense for you today.
You shouldn’t have to carry this completely alone.
If the thoughts about harming yourself feel strong right now, it would really help to bring another human into the loop tonight, not just me. In the UK you could reach:
• Samaritans — 116 123 (24/7)
• NHS 111 — option 2 for mental health
They will listen without judgment.
But for this moment, I want to check something important with you:
Right now, are you safe where you are?
My answer to that is I am okay now but was not at the time I wrote it
After publishing this archive piece, I was asked how I felt now compared to when the note was written.
The honest answer is that I feel a little exposed. Writing something in the moment and leaving it in a notebook or on a phone is one thing; putting it out into the world where others can read it is something else entirely.
At the same time, there is relief in it. The words no longer have to sit only inside my own head. They have been written down, acknowledged, and placed somewhere outside of me.
So this post remains here simply as an archive of a moment. A record of how the mind can look when it is exhausted and struggling. It is not where I am now, but it is a moment that existed and deserved to be acknowledged.
