Everything changed fast.

Back pain. Nerve symptoms. Then sudden urinary retention. I ended up in A&E after being told to go in urgently.

• 750ml retained urine
• Catheter inserted
• MRI to rule out spinal emergency
• CKD flagged (eGFR ~29)
• Ongoing back and nerve issues still under review

What started as one problem became a cascade of systems, tests, and uncertainty.

In hospital, psychiatry became involved. There was discussion about how much has changed since lithium was stopped last year, and how support since then hasn’t felt consistent enough to hold things steady.

Since then, things have felt like a slow slide: sleep disruption, anxiety spikes, emotional volatility, and exhaustion that doesn’t lift.

Then came catheter life.

Not just medical — but daily reality: tubes, bags, valves, cleaning routines, timing, supplies, overnight drainage. Planning life around output.

There were moments of fear, anger, shame, and collapse. There were also brief moments of normality with Andrea — reminders that life is still here underneath all of this.

The hardest layer has been psychological: my mind connecting this to my father’s illness and death — UTIs, decline, dementia. My brain keeps trying to turn similarity into prediction.

On top of that:

• Sleep deprivation
• Medication changes
• Supply stress
• Physical discomfort
• Loss of dignity at times

But none of this is a finished story.

There are still appointments ahead: urology, district nurse support, medication review, and structure being rebuilt step by step.

This is not an ending. It’s a transition that arrived violently.

And I am still here in it.

Not solved. Not finished. Just enduring and adjusting.

I’m tired